The way things fall apart: Half-way through exams and my emotional barricade bursts. Sobbing in the university’s Counseling Services because I can’t quite think straight and it’s all just too damn much for one sensitive and simple girl. I can stay calm for only a minute and then it all comes back. If you ever thought that emotions can’t destroy you, you’re ...
I have been doing amazingly well in the last few weeks. Severed from my parents I am realizing what it is that I believe; untangling the psychological mess propelled by beliefs I tried to make my own but could never be. I am happier, I feel balanced, I sense purpose. Yet I feel guilty for understanding that my earliest teachers are part of my sickness.
dictionaryofobscuresorrows: n. a kind of psychological exoskeleton that can protect you from pain and contain your anxieties, but always ends up cracking under pressure or hollowed out by time—which grows back again and again until you develop a more sophisticated emotional structure, held up by a strong and flexible spine, built less like a fortress than a cluster of treehouses.
And I will eat you slowly with kisses.– Anne Sexton from “Loving the Killer”
Last night I could still smell him there, lingering on my skin from the evening where we just lay in each other’s arms for what felt like infinity. I woke up this morning the happiest I have felt in a long time. No —the most peaceful, or both. Yet, the loneliness doesn’t like to be replaced quite so easily; it calls me back and I know now to say: no, you are that disease I...
Going through my old treatment center binder I realized what I had then that I miss so dearly: hope. The sense that everything is progressing, getting better, blooming. I need that. I used to set goals at the start of the day, simple and manageable things, feel proud for getting them done and finish the day with a victory and a grateful. I am going to do this again.
He said his favorite part of the day was when we danced in the middle of the small kitchen, holding the other so tenderly. My head resting on his rising chest. Our hands cupped together. Cradled like the sea.
Anonymous asked: what should I do if.. I'm becoming anorexic and boyfriend's beem telling me that if i loved him and if he was enough for me then i would have gained weight for him. I feel selfish and not getting any better.. he had just left me again for the night and i'm battling myself not to self harm.. but i see him so depressed today and idk what to do.. how do i change for him? how do i...
dictionaryofobscuresorrows: n. a moment that felt innocuous at the time but ended up marking a diversion into a strange new era of your life—set in motion not by a series of jolting epiphanies but in the tiny imperceptible differences between one ordinary day and the next, until entire years of your memory can be compressed into a handful of indelible images—which prevents you from rewinding the...
I crawl into yesterday’s sweater as a tangible reminder it is real; I am his girlfriend and when he kissed me softly in the car under the pouring rain, I said: it’s moments like these that I wish to capture forever.
I received an atrocious grade on one of my exams. I have never seen a mark that low beside my student number and my instinct was to cry and call myself an imbecile unworthy of love or care or anything at all. But as I felt my nerves firing like shotguns and the wave of sadness crashing over I thought: so what. I got a bad grade. I am still smart. I will not let this destroy me. If you want...
today I saw a quivering bulbous shadow and I wondered why no one had told me before about the moon’s shadow. It was a balloon, twisted into a tree, and I nodded knowing how it feels to come so close to freedom.
today was a little odd; my mind was slightly scrambled so when I unintentionally held the door open for someone and they said “thank you”, I meant to reply “no problem” but instead started mouthing “no thanks”, so I just left it as “no” and walked away. when I am confused (like today) I answer things quite literally so my class-mates kept...
To the man who tells me that suicide is cowardice: I think you know what it’s like to have your best friend disappear without a word but for some reason stigma drips from your words and not mine. They say, when the body succumbs to disease, it becomes an inhospitable place and sometimes when treatment isn’t enough, they go. This happens to the mind as well. But you will call...
my body teaches me the consequences of falling in love; every elevation hangs precariously over infinite depths and never is it up to me to choose where to land. Yesterday I fell so hard, that something precious broke and I couldn’t get it back. I floated nauseated under the depths of Ativan because it was not knives, or flesh or pain. Today I resurface, reborn a spasmodic baby...
We sat there under the warm yellow lights of the coffee shop, heavy rain dripping from the sky. And I told him things I never told anyone before. Because in those precious minutes I have never felt more connected to another human.
Tomorrow I am having coffee with a man who gives me butterflies
there is this man blowing leaves outside my window and I am seriously fighting the urge to throw books out of my window at him because I am irritable and annoyed and impulsive and angry and I can’t handle things.
How is it that when I finally indulge in the luxury of sleeping longer than 7 hours I wake up more anxious and unstable. My brain chemistry is officially the most haphazard biological mechanism. So not only is the world incredibly unpredictable and overwhelming, so is my brain. Wonderful.
Today, I brought to life a seven-hour event as well as presented an hour long workshop. I would very much like to crash into my pillows and sleep for the next four days straight —But, I can’t I still have to host a philosophy undergraduate conference tomorrow and prepare for two exams. I don’t even have time to be proud.
Gregory and the Hawk- Like Daddy, Like Daughter
My mother had a dream that I was under the surface of the sea. I kept swimming farther below and she thought, “she’s not coming up” “she’s not coming up for air.” It’s how I feel, perfectly
Unfinished words to a new love: The happiest moment of my day is when I sat there thinking of coffee and you, The way my heart spilled over and said the things I never say when I meet someone at all, for the first time. When you said, “how are you?” you meant it So my eyes crumbled and grieved for young suicides, and you felt it too. I listed off my diagnoses, like small detonations...
Please please send supportive messages to Collie. I cannot lose another beautiful, wonderful and kind person, which you are. hangye: I am having the worst episode that I have had in my entire life and I don’t know what to do I just researched and planned out my own suicide and I just feel so frantic and awful and I am scared and and what do people do? where do they go to save themselves? I have...
I sobbed the entire appointment. She had already agreed with the psychiatrist that I would be referred to their DBT stream, based on his report. It was a relief to not have to go over every single detail again. For now the soonest I can start is September which destroys my hopes of a quick therapy summer and then back to academics —unrealistic now that I learn the length of this program is...
In all my conversations today I felt disconnected and vague. I don’t know how to answer the first question everyone asks so I mumble something like it was OK, I guess. If I was honest it would sound something like: My reading break was the worst thing that has happened in a long time. [[MORE]]I spent the first day in the hospital because I couldn’t calm down from absolutely...
I couldn’t fall asleep last night. I would lie down and suddenly be filled with devouring dread; a knowingness that I was about to die that very next second. I wouldn’t die but the feeling kept coming back. When I finally fell asleep I woke up instantly and knew with certainty that I did not have a pulse —that I was dead inside yet still inhabited a body. Although my heart must...
A funeral on Monday. A friend who died much too soon. Already I am anxious, restless, scared. Sometimes I can control my emotions like a shut off valve so I never cried when she told me. It doesn’t mean that I can’t feel but that I can feel too much; that I’m afraid if I let them in, just this once, that they will consume me (like they have before). Suicide. It’s an all...
dictionaryofobscuresorrows: n. the sadness that you’ll never really know what other people think of you, whether good, bad or if at all—that although we reflect on each other with the sharpness of a mirror, our reflections end up looking softened and distorted, as if each mirror was secretly preoccupied with twisting around, desperately trying to look itself in the eye.
O love, how did you get here? O embryo Remembering, even in sleep, Your crossed position. The blood blooms clean In you, ruby. The pain You wake to is not yours. Love, love, I have hung our cave with roses. -Sylvia Plath —Nick And The Candlestick
Just focusing on finishing this paper draft and then I can relax for the rest of the week (reading week). I saw my family doctor today since I am getting nowhere trying to see a psychiatrist, being on a wait-list for DBT, and all other mental health related endeavors. Stasis. I have to check in with her in two days and focus only on the next moment as opposed to the jumbled chaotic mess that is...
I really don’t understand anything right now. I feel like a cannon that has misfired and is just waiting to explode. This just isn’t fair.
I just couldn’t cope yesterday; something pushed me over the edge. Most likely all the intense feelings about childhood, when I can’t even manage simple emotions. I was desperate and out of control. I spent the day at the university hospital’s Urgent Care, medicated, laying in warm blankets and drinking apple juice. I felt safe but childlike. It’s sad to say that I liked it...
And I, infinitesimal being, drunk with the starry void, likeness, image of...– Pablo Neruda, from “Poetry” (translated by Alastair Reid)