January 2012
70 posts
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New years eve in bed. Sudden onset of some migraine flu-like combination. Nothing like ending the year just as you started it: sick.
December 2011
54 posts
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solacewithinchaos:
As a side note, I’m fucking crazy.
Captures how I feel perfectly in this moment (about self)
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Wearing my supports thin.
Why don’t you get it; I don’t need you to fix me I just need you to talk to me. Even when I say the same things over and over again. Even when I am no better this year than I was last year. Even when…
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I am tired of blank faces, confused looks, and expressions saying ‘oh how awful that must be’ from the people that are supposed to help me. Somehow I thought they should know what is was like, but they don’t.
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Studying Latin and reading Virginia Woolf: I thought I would despise studying during the winter break (for my deferred exam) but in actuality it comforts me. Routine is something that I need, something that makes me feel as though I have a soft and welcoming trajectory into the near future rather than all this nothingness. And yes, I am aware of my strangeness. (But don’t we all crave...
playmeandante replied to your post: I had one of the best boxing-day-hibernation days….
that sounds incredibly lovely. i wish i was there!!!! guess how i spent boxing day? up at 4am to go to work and doing massive amounts of returns all day lol. (i work in retail.)
I am sorry, that sounds so incredibly traumatizing. I avoid boxing day at all costs. I refuse to go anywhere near a mall...
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I had one of the best boxing-day-hibernation days. Alyse and I spent the rainy afternoon at my house napping and sharing writing and poetry and then headed off to JJ Bean with its dim lights and blazing fire which made a perfect background for our photographs, knitting, sketching and reading. I feel all cozy and warm conjuring up memories of our latte and friendship filled evening.
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Merry Christmahanakwanzika
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I finally ordered a new ink ribbon for my typewriter. I can’t wait to start using it again; I feel my creative energies stirring as I think of all the prose waiting to be wrote.
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Here it is
Christmas. Luckily I have more energy than yesterday —I am actually mobile and dressed. I feel somewhat guilty (when do I not?) because although I don’t see the importance of material gifts I can see how others do and how me not giving them or not feeling enthusiastic about it affects them. I am sorry I am not normal, I am sorry I see everything as irrelevant and meaningless. I wish I...
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My limbs felt like tree stumps and I too weak to carry them. I stayed in bed, mostly, or slept in a nice corner on the floor. I was so tired. I hope tomorrow is not like this.
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one more thing: I made a link (above) for the books about mental health that I connect with since people seemed to like that.
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I have spent the last few days completely disheartened by the reactions I have receive from some professionals that were supposed to be my ‘supports’.
Sending one of my best friends home (being 4 hours away by bus) because she ‘broke the guidelines’ (self-harm) after she told them she was unstable and needing support. Not offering any additional support and taking all...
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The lack of structure caused by winter break is getting to me. I am going out and seeing friends but something in my mind feels distant and vacant. Almost like I am depersonalized, but not.
ana-and-me replied to your post: Appointment with the psychiatrist. I finally was…
are you on a moodstabilzer?
I am already on quetiapine so we are not starting anything new until we monitor for a while. I am happy about that because I always get worried when I am put on new medications, I like to think that I can do without but that is not always the case (as with my anxiety and such).
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Appointment with the psychiatrist. I finally was able to talk about my moods and how rapidly they shift and fly off in all directions.
Right now we are just monitoring: wait and see, wait and see.
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I have this incredible anger welling up inside of me and I have no idea why. Normally I feel no anger, just frustration and it comes out in tears, but right now I really just want to punch someone in the face —for no reason whatsoever. I don’t understaaanddd.
The christmas wish list of the mentally ill: →
beyond-crazy:
Dear Santa,
I have tried my hardest this year to cope with what I’ve been given. Instead of clothes, shoes and jewellery I would prefer:
to feel ‘normal’
to not have to take medication
to control my moods, impulsiveness, self harm and suicide idealisation
to feel worthy, useful, smart, strong and beautiful
to love myself
to cope with life in a healthy way
to be able to...
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I can’t remember the last time that I decorated my room in the Christmas spirit just for myself. If it was for other people that was fine, I would go decoration crazy, but just for myself I thought it wasn’t worth it or I suppose more accurately I wasn’t worth it. So all today I went decoration crazy for myself and I feel so happy. It’s strange how many things I...
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I HAVE BEEN GIVEN ANOTHER CHANCE. My professor must be an angel watching over me. She has been so kind, gentle and understanding of me and my fragility this entire semester and blessed me with an exam rewrite. I didn’t even ask for it, I couldn’t bring myself I was so ashamed at letting my mind get the best of me and breaking down during the exam into messy pieces. But she must have...
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This is going to be triggering.
I had an exam fumble, well, more like a catastrophic explosion of everything that could possibly go wrong which resulting in me (in no possible way) being able to pass said exam. Yes, it sucked, but me with the mood problems takes it to a whole new level and decided that I should do harmful things because I am a (‘place one of your favorite self-loathing...
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I have two exams in the next two days. I am a calm and collected rational being. (not). Much support is appreciated. (greatly).
So let the chaos begin.
solacewithinchaos asked: Just sending love your way - thank you for all of the support and letting me call and talk with you :3
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My mind trapped me again and cradled me within its marvelous web. I got tangled within the lies and lies and lies, and it has taken me until now to realize how far gone I was. But yet all the while I thought it was me. I get these moments of clarity until I vanish again, sucked back under and dragged along (and it whispers ‘surrender, surrender’). I have no idea who I am. I have no...
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I feel much better after having therapy this morning, bright and early. Sometimes I wish I could start off everyday with therapy; it would make the day go by much more smoothly I am sure.
A large part of me wishes so badly that some very rich and generous person would donate me a large amount of money just for therapy —they could even just give it all to my therapist at once, sort of like a...
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Haven’t left my house in days, Is there such thing as a world behind this window-pane? I feel completely absorbed within my mind, and so I feel the simultaneous pull and resistance of studying. I sit at this desk as all reality slips away and I become lost in a sea of words.
o brave new world: (82) →
clavicola:
Loneliness isn’t a condition you can prescribe pills for. Everyone I know has some sort of broken heart or a splinter that they’re too tired to notice lodged into their chest. If you leave me alone for too long I’ll throw my soul against the pavement from a thirty-seven story…
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In this moment it saddens me to think that I may never fall in love; I may never have someone to come home to, someone who will hold me tightly under warm sheets on a rain-patched night. I will always be alone.
The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows: degrassé →
dictionaryofobscuresorrows:
adj. entranced and unsettled by the vastness of the universe, experienced in a jolt of recognition that the night sky is not just a wallpaper but a deeply foreign ocean whose currents are steadily carrying off all other castaways, who share our predicament but are already well out of…
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Books about mental illness that I find pieces of myself within:
Madness: A Bipolar Life -Marya Hornbacher Wasted -Marya Hornbacher The Bell Jar -Sylvia Plath The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness -Elyn R. Saks Girl, Interrupted -Susanna Kaysen
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If I could have my way we would be together forever; for in this dark moment wherein my mind spins wildly within its contained sphere of bone of blood of skin I know that you understand. And its all I want to be together but alone all at the same time because every word I say that seems crazy and absurd is understood in some deep and intricate way by you. I would feel safe knowing that the world...
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When the sun goes down I feel contained; as if the darkness shrinks the world into something simpler, something that I can handle.
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My goal for this exam period: to leave each exam knowing something more valuable to my education than when I came in. And by this I mean something constructive, not something useless like being able to recite endless facts about this and that.
This is how I stay sane. I reduce my expectations to the bare minimum of what I want in life. At least for me it works.
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Zielschmerz
dictionaryofobscuresorrows:
n. the exhilarating dread of finally pursuing a lifelong dream, which requires you to put your true abilities out there to be tested on the open savannah, no longer protected inside the terrarium of hopes and delusions that you created in kindergarten and kept sealed as long as you could, only to break in case of emergency.
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“How tired I am of stories, how tired I am of phrases that come down beautifully...”
– Virginia Woolf —The Waves