Going through my old treatment center binder I realized what I had then that I miss so dearly: hope. The sense that everything is progressing, getting better, blooming. I need that. I used to set goals at the start of the day, simple and manageable things, feel proud for getting them done and finish the day with a victory and a grateful. I am going to do this again.
It’s all over;
Every exam has been put to rest in its tight transcript box
And I am free
Beneath the wave of exhaustion
Three months on empty.
So it turns out I used to make really good videos on ED recovery.
Sometimes I forget all the postive things about myself
and get surprised
you can find some here: http://www.youtube.com/user/Jenniferbeatrice
as well as here: http://www.youtube.com/user/fighting4hope
Yesterday I was a guest speaker at the ED program I was in
speaking to family & friends of patients and showed some of my videos.
They asked where to find them online and I gave the links.
I feel honored to be a positive impact.
In my semi-depressive ramblings I forgot to tell all my recovery followers that I have been re-invited to speak at the only hospital in the province that has an adult ED program (which I attended).
A lecture hall full of parents and supports of ED patients. I feel proud and honored to share my story.
I am alive and well
and thank you for continuing to follow this blog with my (now) spurratic posts.
I cannot promise they will not be sporadic since I abhor the internet (but love all of you who I met through this internet) and prefer to write on my typewriter.
However, I have an informative back-log of posts which I wrote when recovering from Anorexia Nervosa.
Yes, I am recovered.
I cannot say that losing followers does not hurt me.
I am inclined to believe that fluctuations in numbers carry with them hidden significance.
That my followers have left me because they believe I am dull and boring.
That my weight shows I am greedy and selfish.
That my grades show I am unworthy.
But none of this is true.
I don’t understand why I ferociously compare myself with others and then rip myself to pieces. It’s not surprising that I feel worthless after.
When the clinic doctor asks if I have been in “good health”:
What I think: well besides the usual eating disorders, anxiety disorders, bipolar symptoms… Yes.
What I say: ermm I suppose so..
How am I supposed to eat when my body gives me no incentives; in fact, all it gives me are resaons not to eat.
I eat healthy and my skin gets acne worse than ever.
I eat healthy and my body kicks into hormonal-chaos.
I eat healthy and the neurotransmitters in my brain decided to release and withdraw whenever they damn-well please.
I just can’t do it today. I surrender. Why can’t my body give me some sort of hope?
Help Me. All I want is to be thin. That’s all I want. And I can’t do it. Please. How. Please don’t say “Be healthy, exercise” I don’t need that crap. I’m sorry. But just… I’m so fat! You seem knowledgeable. I’m sorry if I’m rude it’s just I really want someone to understand </3 btw Love your blog :)
[normally I would answer you in an ask but for some error or another it won’t let me. You deserve a response]
I understand and I will not BS you.
You know how to lose weight the ‘healthy’ way (ie through adequate diet and exercise) but that is not enough for you. It seems that you are searching for something more and I would like to point out that this is not just losing weight (if it was, why not the healthy way?). You most likely have this undeniable yearning within you for something more, and I know more than anyone how this feels —to at last feel confident, powerful, happy. If you think that starving yourself will get this you are partially right. At first you will feel great and amazing but really it’s the eating disorder seducing you because soon enough you will realize that nothing is enough anymore: 120lbs, 110, 100, 90, 80 … they all look the same to you and you are more unhappy that you have ever been in your entire life and at the same time you are slowly killing yourself. If you’re incredibly lucky if in the end you will have few health problems but almost everyone ends up with damaged bodies. Your period stops, so do your hormones, so does the calcium that builds your bones and the longer this goes on the longer your bones deteriorate until you realize you have the bones of an 80 year old. I am not exaggerating and this doesn’t take long to happen (maybe a few years of malnutrition). Truthfully, you are not invincible, contrary to what the ED will tell you. This will happen to you. If your lucky you wont end up with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, since your bowls haven’t been properly functioning in years so now they just.. don’t. I really am not exaggerating, I know many people with ED’s from my journey and this is the reality. The longer you do it the worse it gets. Irregular heat rhythms, eroded teeth, etc. You can’t ever get this back. I am just asking you to think twice before you go ahead, really make sure you understand. Right now you still have your rationality (the ED will take that away too) so please please think.