So it turns out I used to make really good videos on ED recovery.
Sometimes I forget all the postive things about myself
and get surprised
you can find some here: http://www.youtube.com/user/Jenniferbeatrice
as well as here: http://www.youtube.com/user/fighting4hope
Yesterday I was a guest speaker at the ED program I was in
speaking to family & friends of patients and showed some of my videos.
They asked where to find them online and I gave the links.
I feel honored to be a positive impact.
In my semi-depressive ramblings I forgot to tell all my recovery followers that I have been re-invited to speak at the only hospital in the province that has an adult ED program (which I attended).
A lecture hall full of parents and supports of ED patients. I feel proud and honored to share my story.
I cannot say that losing followers does not hurt me.
I am inclined to believe that fluctuations in numbers carry with them hidden significance.
That my followers have left me because they believe I am dull and boring.
That my weight shows I am greedy and selfish.
That my grades show I am unworthy.
But none of this is true.
Help Me. All I want is to be thin. That’s all I want. And I can’t do it. Please. How. Please don’t say “Be healthy, exercise” I don’t need that crap. I’m sorry. But just… I’m so fat! You seem knowledgeable. I’m sorry if I’m rude it’s just I really want someone to understand </3 btw Love your blog :)
[normally I would answer you in an ask but for some error or another it won’t let me. You deserve a response]
I understand and I will not BS you.
You know how to lose weight the ‘healthy’ way (ie through adequate diet and exercise) but that is not enough for you. It seems that you are searching for something more and I would like to point out that this is not just losing weight (if it was, why not the healthy way?). You most likely have this undeniable yearning within you for something more, and I know more than anyone how this feels —to at last feel confident, powerful, happy. If you think that starving yourself will get this you are partially right. At first you will feel great and amazing but really it’s the eating disorder seducing you because soon enough you will realize that nothing is enough anymore: 120lbs, 110, 100, 90, 80 … they all look the same to you and you are more unhappy that you have ever been in your entire life and at the same time you are slowly killing yourself. If you’re incredibly lucky if in the end you will have few health problems but almost everyone ends up with damaged bodies. Your period stops, so do your hormones, so does the calcium that builds your bones and the longer this goes on the longer your bones deteriorate until you realize you have the bones of an 80 year old. I am not exaggerating and this doesn’t take long to happen (maybe a few years of malnutrition). Truthfully, you are not invincible, contrary to what the ED will tell you. This will happen to you. If your lucky you wont end up with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, since your bowls haven’t been properly functioning in years so now they just.. don’t. I really am not exaggerating, I know many people with ED’s from my journey and this is the reality. The longer you do it the worse it gets. Irregular heat rhythms, eroded teeth, etc. You can’t ever get this back. I am just asking you to think twice before you go ahead, really make sure you understand. Right now you still have your rationality (the ED will take that away too) so please please think.
"I doubt sometimes whether
a quiet & unagitated life
would have suited me —yet I
sometimes long for it."
My mood just took a free-fall off a cliff …into a hidden crater in the earth. I spent all last night crying about how sad it has been, suffering like this. How very sad.
I feel as though I should just keep it to myself. It’s the same sob-story as always, with the same thoughts and the same conclusion. If I were someone else I would tire of it too.
Check-list for when I feel out of control:
- Eat a snack: stabilizing blood-sugar will help
- Put down the coffee: it will only increase the agitation
- Put away the work: nothing productive will get accomplished
- Monitor thoughts: actively listen to the thoughts in my head and what I am telling myself
- Thought attack: burst irrational thoughts with logic (I am not stupid, worthless, etc.)
- Attempt breathing exercise/relaxation: try to return to a balanced stable state
- Take anxiety medication: if all else fails
It ceases to amaze me how my mother can simultaneously undermine my recovery (that’s too much sugar, don’t you think? I mean your skin…) and then have the audacity tell me its my fault (well, most people would appreciate my advice, you know, one day you might). I need to move out —now.
Evaluating some of my old destructive habits that had no basis in reality:
- My yearn for the school year to be over so that I could wage full on war with my body —waiting for that moment when I would have no possible excuse to eat a thing.
What I didn’t realize:
- that eating during the school year was the thing that was keeping me alive
- that the period between terms was supposed to be a time for bodily rest
- that wearing my body out during the ‘break’ was a sure way to never make it back to school —ever
- that my body always wins the war