Here I am, a bundle of past recollections and future dreams, knotted up in a reasonably attractive bundle of flesh. I remember what this flesh had gone through; I dream of what it may go through. I record here the actions of optical nerves, of taste buds, of sensory perception. And, I think: I am but one more drop in the great sea of matter, defined, with the ability to realize my existence.
I have been doing amazingly well in the last few weeks. Severed from my parents I am realizing what it is that I believe; untangling the psychological mess propelled by beliefs I tried to make my own but could never be. I am happier, I feel balanced, I sense purpose. Yet I feel guilty for understanding that my earliest teachers are part of my sickness.
I have decided to tweak my diet. Clearly, with all this inflammation my skin isn’t liking something that is in my body. I don’t consider this an ‘ED thing’ because I am not cutting things out or aiming to lose weight. What I am doing is replacing things with more plant-based sources, therefore plant-based proteins rather than meat and such. The change will be gradual though, right now I am only adding in juiced vegetables to my regular diet whenever I can.
Help Me. All I want is to be thin. That’s all I want. And I can’t do it. Please. How. Please don’t say “Be healthy, exercise” I don’t need that crap. I’m sorry. But just… I’m so fat! You seem knowledgeable. I’m sorry if I’m rude it’s just I really want someone to understand </3 btw Love your blog :)
[normally I would answer you in an ask but for some error or another it won’t let me. You deserve a response]
I understand and I will not BS you.
You know how to lose weight the ‘healthy’ way (ie through adequate diet and exercise) but that is not enough for you. It seems that you are searching for something more and I would like to point out that this is not just losing weight (if it was, why not the healthy way?). You most likely have this undeniable yearning within you for something more, and I know more than anyone how this feels —to at last feel confident, powerful, happy. If you think that starving yourself will get this you are partially right. At first you will feel great and amazing but really it’s the eating disorder seducing you because soon enough you will realize that nothing is enough anymore: 120lbs, 110, 100, 90, 80 … they all look the same to you and you are more unhappy that you have ever been in your entire life and at the same time you are slowly killing yourself. If you’re incredibly lucky if in the end you will have few health problems but almost everyone ends up with damaged bodies. Your period stops, so do your hormones, so does the calcium that builds your bones and the longer this goes on the longer your bones deteriorate until you realize you have the bones of an 80 year old. I am not exaggerating and this doesn’t take long to happen (maybe a few years of malnutrition). Truthfully, you are not invincible, contrary to what the ED will tell you. This will happen to you. If your lucky you wont end up with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, since your bowls haven’t been properly functioning in years so now they just.. don’t. I really am not exaggerating, I know many people with ED’s from my journey and this is the reality. The longer you do it the worse it gets. Irregular heat rhythms, eroded teeth, etc. You can’t ever get this back. I am just asking you to think twice before you go ahead, really make sure you understand. Right now you still have your rationality (the ED will take that away too) so please please think.
It ceases to amaze me how my mother can simultaneously undermine my recovery (that’s too much sugar, don’t you think? I mean your skin…) and then have the audacity tell me its my fault (well, most people would appreciate my advice, you know, one day you might). I need to move out —now.
Here’s how you make absolutely sure that you’ll keep getting crazier by the day:
Ignore everything your psychiatrist tells you. Disregard all his warnings about the way you’re living your life —in fact, do absolutely everything he tells you not to.
Don’t take your pills. They’re a hassle, and what if they make you dull? You don’t need them. And if you’re going to take the pills, take them with a glass of wine. It will make the mood swings even more exciting.
Don’t sleep; you’ve got to make sure your body clock is as fucked up as possible. The less you sleep, the more manic you’ll get, until soon you’ll go completely over the edge.
Drink caffeine. Tons of it. Take your morning pills with coffee. It can’t hurt.
Work around the clock —it’s important to put yourself under as much stress as possible.
Eating normally would stabilize your blood sugar, so don’t do that; it’s better to keep your body in as unstable a state as you possibly can for maximum results.
I highly suggest watching this video (if you are mentally ready). It shows the damage than an Eating Disorder can cause on your body. By all means this in an extreme case but is not a rare case; in my 4 years of disordered eating I have known a few individuals with diseases as progressed as this. TRIGGER WARNING.
“THIS 2 PART SERIES MAY BE TRIGGERING. PLEASE DO NOT WATCH IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY BODY IMAGES SHOWN, WEIGHTS MENTIONED OR EATING DISORDERED TOPICS”