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Mad Girl's Love Song
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Jennifer.

Here I am, a bundle of past recollections and future dreams, knotted up in a reasonably attractive bundle of flesh. I remember what this flesh had gone through; I dream of what it may go through. I record here the actions of optical nerves, of taste buds, of sensory perception. And, I think: I am but one more drop in the great sea of matter, defined, with the ability to realize my existence.

Exams are over and I have survived.

Life has settled perfectly this time; no disaster, chaos, fighting to keep from drowning. One brief moment of discord and then everything found their right place.

Relief.

Filed under: life, exams, chaos, mental health, mental illness, recovery,

I cannot say that losing followers does not hurt me.

I am inclined to believe that fluctuations in numbers carry with them hidden significance.

That my followers have left me because they believe I am dull and boring.
That my weight shows I am greedy and selfish.
That my grades show I am unworthy.

But none of this is true.

Filed under: numbers, weight, anorexia, bulimia, treatment, ED, eating disorder, perfectionism, mental illness,

When the clinic doctor asks if I have been in “good health”:

What I think: well besides the usual eating disorders, anxiety disorders, bipolar symptoms… Yes.

What I say: ermm I suppose so..

Filed under: mental health, mental illness, anxiety, bipolar, eating disorder, anorexia,

Check-list for when I feel out of control:

  • Eat a snack: stabilizing blood-sugar will help
  • Put down the coffee: it will only increase the agitation
  • Put away the work: nothing productive will get accomplished
  • Monitor thoughts: actively listen to the thoughts in my head and what I am telling myself
  • Thought attack: burst irrational thoughts with logic (I am not stupid, worthless, etc.)
  • Attempt breathing exercise/relaxation: try to return to a balanced stable state
  • Take anxiety medication: if all else fails
Filed under: chaos, eating disorder, anorexia, bulimia, treatment, anxiety, mood, perfectionism, mental health, mental illness, therapy, wellness, wellbeing, food, Thoughts, thought attacks,

Sometimes the light falls on my face just right.

Filed under: light, dark, hope, life, mental illness, mental health, treatment, recovery, depression, happy,

My choice now clear:
go on or go under.
Hope, in arrears,
fades to far details.

Filed under: poetry, life, continue, mental health, mental illness, eating disorder, anorexia, bulimia, treatment, recovery, therapy, depression, sad, hope, details,

Sometimes I feel as though there was this period in adolescence wherein I was supposed to learn how to naturally cope with this world. And because I didn’t figure it out in time, the alarm went off and the chaos was let free. That all of this could have been prevented if I just learned —on time..

Filed under: mental health, mental illness, coping, coping tools, life, treatment, recovery, bipolar, mood, depression, anxiety, eating disorder, anorexia, bulimia, mania, manic, manic depression,

Making my bed somehow makes me feel as though my day was successful.

Filed under: bed, sleep, tidy, perfection, mental health, mental illness, treatment, recovery, chaos, calm,

I can see the end-line
in the distance
but like a mirage
it gets farther and farther
away

Filed under: end, finish, mirage, hopeless, life, mental health, mental illness, treatment, depression, school, university,

There is this void inside of me
that I negate by my obsessions
but seeps through, to remind me 
that it is still here
it is always here
but never wants to be filled.

Filed under: void, empty, emptiness, depression, mood, failure, mental illness, negative, obsession,
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