Here I am, a bundle of past recollections and future dreams, knotted up in a reasonably attractive bundle of flesh. I remember what this flesh had gone through; I dream of what it may go through. I record here the actions of optical nerves, of taste buds, of sensory perception. And, I think: I am but one more drop in the great sea of matter, defined, with the ability to realize my existence.
solacewithinchaos
I don’t harm myself for attention. I harm myself for protection.
I read this and it took my breath away. Before I knew not how to describe it, when friends tell me that I need to stop and I tell them that they don’t understand, that in some indescribable way I need this or else I would be nothing. I would explode, I would not be able to contain myself anymore. I would do things that I never knew I was capable of. I would finally and completely lose everything.
I can’t remember the last time that I decorated my room in the Christmas spirit just for myself. If it was for other people that was fine, I would go decoration crazy, but just for myself I thought it wasn’t worth it or I suppose more accurately I wasn’t worth it.
So all today I went decoration crazy for myself and I feel so happy. It’s strange how many things I neglect myself without realizing…
I feel much better after having therapy this morning, bright and early. Sometimes I wish I could start off everyday with therapy; it would make the day go by much more smoothly I am sure.
A large part of me wishes so badly that some very rich and generous person would donate me a large amount of money just for therapy —they could even just give it all to my therapist at once, sort of like a stock-pile of therapy hours for my well-being. It makes me frustrated that money stands in the way of me getting the care that I need and that there are so many people out that that don’t even get the chance that I have because they can’t afford a therapist. What’s the point of being trained to help people when the sickest people can’t even pay to see you. I think that many therapists are getting only a select group of people that doesn’t nearly represent the amount of people genuinely struggling that need therapy to keep going day to day. It pains me to imagine how many less suicides there would be if therapy could be readily available to everyone.
So if anyone knows of such generous rich person, please sent them my way/rant.
I feel like no one can properly diagnose me: I don’t fit anything. My moods rapidly cycle: euphoria and then despair. I dissociate, forget where I am, feel unreal and can’t focus on anything for the life of me because it all looks foreign. Self-harm and suicidal urges, constantly feeling empty, etc. I am getting frustrated with how abnormal I feel and my inability to function.
Got completely drunk tonight. First real social night out in a long time and I definitely made up for missed times. My first reaction is to punish myself for making the decision to lose myself for a few hours and dance the night away instead of studying but now that I think about it —who cares? I needed this. And in life, what matters is what you make matter. This mattered to me. I had fun for once instead of burying myself knee deep in studies.
Feeling generally stable now. I am really starting to question my moods, I know I have always had extreme moods but this week was really out of hand: one day full of elation and euphoria and a few days later such lows that I want to huddle in a corner and never look up again. Self harm urges and eating disorder urges all flooding my mind. Self harm is against most of the guidelines for the support programs I am in right now. But the fact is, if I were to self-harm and all the supports were taken away as a consequence wouldn’t that be the exact opposite of what a support program should do to someone who is suffering? I find this a little absurd. Anyhow, I know my moods are caused by events that happen but it seems like either I don’t react at all to something or I really react —there is no small reactions or moods for me.
Hey everybody!
So as many of you are aware I vlog for Fighting4Hope on youtube, a mental health awareness collaborative channel. Right now we are looking for new vloggers to join the channel and I encourage you guys to submit a video application! Here is my video explaining what you need to do: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8huMZb_-KCM
I will be helping Melissa (founder of the channel) to look through the videos. I encourage you all to apply!!
