I cannot say that losing followers does not hurt me.

I am inclined to believe that fluctuations in numbers carry with them hidden significance.

That my followers have left me because they believe I am dull and boring.
That my weight shows I am greedy and selfish.
That my grades show I am unworthy.

But none of this is true.

[normally I would answer you in an ask but for some error or another it won’t let me. You deserve a response]

I understand and I will not BS you.

You know how to lose weight the ‘healthy’ way (ie through adequate diet and exercise) but that is not enough for you. It seems that you are searching for something more and I would like to point out that this is not just losing weight (if it was, why not the healthy way?). You most likely have this undeniable yearning within you for something more, and I know more than anyone how this feels —to at last feel confident, powerful, happy. If you think that starving yourself will get this you are partially right. At first you will feel great and amazing but really it’s the eating disorder seducing you because soon enough you will realize that nothing is enough anymore: 120lbs, 110, 100, 90, 80 … they all look the same to you and you are more unhappy that you have ever been in your entire life and at the same time you are slowly killing yourself. If you’re incredibly lucky if in the end you will have few health problems but almost everyone ends up with damaged bodies. Your period stops, so do your hormones, so does the calcium that builds your bones and the longer this goes on the longer your bones deteriorate until you realize you have the bones of an 80 year old. I am not exaggerating and this doesn’t take long to happen (maybe a few years of malnutrition). Truthfully, you are not invincible, contrary to what the ED will tell you. This will happen to you. If your lucky you wont end up with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, since your bowls haven’t been properly functioning in years so now they just.. don’t. I really am not exaggerating, I know many people with ED’s from my journey and this is the reality. The longer you do it the worse it gets. Irregular heat rhythms, eroded teeth, etc. You can’t ever get this back. I am just asking you to think twice before you go ahead, really make sure you understand. Right now you still have your rationality (the ED will take that away too) so please please think.

Having urges to lose weight. Bad ED, bad. I feel like I let myself go somehow, let myself slip into a motivation-less blob of a person. What difference would it make if I lost weight? I don’t think that losing weight is unhealthy if: a) you’re not expecting other things to happen along with the weight loss —i.e. boost of confidence, happiness, etc. AND you are not solely dependent on the weight loss to give you such things b) you are at a healthy weight c) you are not using numbers (of weight) as a substitute for gaining control in your life. So pretty much if your ED is not driving it. I need to figure out is mine?

Mechanical eating it is. My talk with my psychiatrist reminded me that I am the one who has control and right now it is easy to make the necessary changes —like following a meal plan. I went grocery shopping today so the kitchen is stocked up. There is no reason for me not to follow through. I am feeling very positive (as my tofu soaks in it’s vegetable broth, I soak in my positivity).

The Final Unveiling

So you guys might be wondering what that funny little icon on my blog is that says The Recovery Network and why I haven’t spoken a word about it. But here it is, the final unveiling.

Basically I have created a portal to connect Eating Disorder Recovery blogs, particularly blogs focused on individuals journeys through recovery writing about their struggles and success. I find it difficult to find blogs like mine therefore I created a place where they can all be found. :)

Check it out: http://therecoverynetwork.tumblr.com/